It can be such a frustrating cycle we can get looped into.
“I’m scared I’ll feel anxious forever.”
“What if I never get this anxiety under control?”
“What if I can’t handle this feeling?”
“If I start feeling anxious, I’ll screw everything up.”
“People will think I’m weird or crazy if they see I’m anxious.”
I recently started playing Pickleball, and I often worry about “getting in my head”, which will make me play worse. And sadly it inevitably does! Like aself-fulfilling prophecy, when I worry about feeling anxious, I’m already anxious!
What does anxiety about anxiety look like? Here are a few expressions of it:
Rumination: Constantly thinking about your anxious thoughts and fearing their return. Or even worrying you’ll feel anxious forever.
Avoidance: Avoiding situations or experiences that trigger anxiety.
Physical Symptoms: Experiencing physical symptoms like increased heart rate, sweating, or nausea in anticipation of anxious thoughts.
Why does this happen? Here are a few reasons:
Fear of Losing Control: Anxiety can make us feel like we’re losing control over our lives, and the idea of being overwhelmed by it only amplifies this fear.
Anticipation of Negative Outcomes: We may imagine worst-case scenarios, assuming that feeling anxious will inevitably lead to something terrible happening.
Stigma and Judgment: Society sometimes stigmatizes anxiety, leading us to feel ashamed or judged for being anxious.
Discomfort of Anxiety: Anxiety and panic can be super unpleasant. Sometimes we fear the discomfort of anxiety itself.
So, what can we do about this?
Know that you’re capable even when you’re anxious. You’re capable of being yourself, accepted, skilled, and everything else. Anxiety doesn’t equal bad outcome. Think of times you had a positive experience even with anxiety present.
Remember no feeling lasts forever. There are always ebbs and flows with anxiety. Think about your own experience. Sometimes anxiety is there and other times it’s less intense. There’s always change. Everything is impermanent.
Accept that you will eventually find your way back to the driver’s seat, pushing anxiety to the passenger’s side. Remember times when you’ve lived without anxiety or times you’ve overcome feelings of anxiety.
One more thing…
You’re not alone. This somewhat hilarious, moderately frustrating experience is shared by so many others. As you read this, inhale, exhale, relax your shoulders, soften your face, and know you’re so much more than your anxiety. You can thrive in your life, believe in it!
Life is full of never-ending big and small choices. These choices can be both exhausting and energizing. However, if we struggle with anxiety, self-doubt, or low self-confidence, these choices are likely tiring.
Self-doubt may have us believing that we’ve taken the “wrong” path or made an error in our judgment.
Even after we’ve made a choice, we might find ourselves anxiously second-guessing. If you find yourself in this ruminative loop, I invite you to ask yourself the following:
How long has this self-doubt been part of my life?
Does its voice resemble anyone from my life? If so, is this person a reliable source of information?
What is this doubtful part afraid would happen if I chose “wrong”?
What is this doubtful part trying to protect me from?
Is this doubtful part successful in protecting me?
What might be more needed or helpful right now?
Trusting in our choices might look like:
Learning from our past experiences
Finding confidence in our choices might feel far away if we’ve made choices in the past that didn’t produce the results we wanted. Learning from our missteps is beautifully human. Finding a way to self-reflect with a simultaneously compassionate and honest lens is what helps us grow best. If we’re looking back on a choice that didn’t go as hoped, we can ask ourselves:
Was I discounting or excluding important information when I made this choice?
Was this choice impulsive or thoughtful?
Was this choice part of a pattern of behaviour?
Did I make the best choice I could with the information I had at the time? What new choice might I make and why?
Knowing that’s even the best choices aren’t always perfect
In all our reflection, it’s important to know that even the best choices might turn out badly, which is simply a part of the unpredictability of life.
Knowing there’s often no “right” choice
Finding confidence in our choices doesn’t look like blind optimism that all our choices are perfect. It takes a balanced and perhaps neutral awareness of a situation. It’s important to remember that, most often, there’s no “right” or perfect choice. There’s only the choices we make, each with a set of consequences (some of which we won’t know until we take that path).
Providing ourselves with reassurance when self-doubt arises
If we struggle with self-doubt, we often defer to others to make choices for us or ground us when we’re stuck in anxious second-guessing. In the end, this just perpetuates the idea that we can’t trust ourselves and it also doesn’t provide us with opportunities to make our own choices. Learning to provide ourselves with the reassurance we so deeply crave from others is a sign that we’re on our way to self-trust.
Remember
There’s something inside you worth trusting. Give yourself permission to embrace it.
Poems have a way of transporting us into realms of feeling that our everyday language often can’t. They can give us permission to alter an overly negative inner dialogue.
I teach yoga as part of my therapeutic practice and I always close the class with a poem. It helps me, and participants share that they help them too. Perhaps there’s one here that will nestle a home deep inside of you. Or one that will open to your eyes to a new vantage point.
Here are TWELVE of my favourite poems (for now). So whether you’re a yoga teacher looking for poems to end Savasana, or simply a poetry lover, check these out:
Let It Go – Danna Faulds
Let go of the ways you thought life would unfold: the holding of plans or dreams or expectations – Let it all go. Save your strength to swim with the tide. The choice to fight what is here before you now will only result in struggle, fear, and desperate attempts to flee from the very energy you long for. Let go.
Let it all go and flow with the grace that washes through your days whether you receive it gently or with all your quills raised to defend against invaders.
Take this on faith: the mind may never find the explanations that it seeks, but you will move forward nonetheless. Let go, and the wave’s crest will carry you to unknown shores, beyond your wildest dreams or destinations. Let it all go and find the place of rest and peace, and certain transformation.
Enough – David Whyte
Enough. These few words are enough. If not these words, this breath. If not this breath, this sitting here. This opening to the life we have refused again and again until now. Until now.
My Beloved Child – Swami Kripalu, Bapuji
My beloved child, break your heart no longer. Each time you judge yourself you break your own heart.
You stop feeding on the love, which is the wellspring of your vitality. The time has come, your time To live, to celebrate… and to see the goodness that you are…
Let no one, no thing, no idea or ideal obstruct you If one comes, even in the name of “Truth”, forgive it for its unknowing
Do not fight Let go And breathe – into the goodness that you are.
A Medicine Woman’s Prayer – Sheree Bliss Tilsley
I will not rescue you, For you are not powerless. I will not fix you, For you are not broken. I will not heal you, For I see you, in your wholeness. I will walk with you through the darkness As you remember your light.
Six Words of Advice – Tilopa
Let go of what has passed. Let go of what may come. Let go of what is happening now. Don’t try to figure anything out. Don’t try to make anything happen. Relax, right now, and rest.
I Cannot Tell You What Lies Ahead – Morgan Harper Nichols
I cannot tell you what lies ahead,
but I can tell you: you will grow.
Your ability to keep going each day
is a sign of courage on its own.
I know that peace feels far away
as you try to make sense of all the change,
and I just hope you can remember this:
You do not have to make sense of it all
in order to be worthy of peace.
To be the one who keeps breathing
in the unknown is a brave and miraculous thing.
Learning to exhale is no small feat.
You are doing brave things.
Yes, you are doing brave things
even though it doesn’t always feel that way.
As I Began To Love Myself – Charlie Chaplin
“As I began to love myself I found that anguish and emotional suffering are only warning signs that I was living against my own truth. Today, I know, this is “AUTHENTICITY”.
As I began to love myself I understood how much it can offend somebody if I try to force my desires on this person, even though I knew the time was not right and the person was not ready for it, and even though this person was me. Today I call it “RESPECT”.
As I began to love myself I stopped craving for a different life, and I could see that everything that surrounded me was inviting me to grow. Today I call it “MATURITY”.
As I began to love myself I understood that at any circumstance, I am in the right place at the right time, and everything happens at the exactly right moment. So I could be calm. Today I call it “SELF-CONFIDENCE”.
As I began to love myself I quit stealing my own time, and I stopped designing huge projects for the future. Today, I only do what brings me joy and happiness, things I love to do and that make my heart cheer, and I do them in my own way and in my own rhythm. Today I call it “SIMPLICITY”.
As I began to love myself I freed myself of anything that is no good for my health – food, people, things, situations, and everything that drew me down and away from myself. At first I called this attitude a healthy egoism. Today I know it is “LOVE OF ONESELF”.
As I began to love myself I quit trying to always be right, and ever since I was wrong less of the time. Today I discovered that is “MODESTY”.
As I began to love myself I refused to go on living in the past and worrying about the future. Now, I only live for the moment, where everything is happening. Today I live each day, day by day, and I call it “FULFILLMENT”.
As I began to love myself I recognized that my mind can disturb me and it can make me sick. But as I connected it to my heart, my mind became a valuable ally. Today I call this connection “WISDOM OF THE HEART”.
We no longer need to fear arguments, confrontations or any kind of problems with ourselves or others. Even stars collide, and out of their crashing new worlds are born. Today I know “THAT IS LIFE”!”
Fully Human – Victoria Erikson
To be fully human is to be wild. Wild is the strange pull and whispering wisdom. It’s the gentle nudge and the forceful ache. It is your truth, passed down from the ancients, and the very stream of life in your blood. Wild is the soul where passion and creativity reside, and the quickening of your heart. Wild is what is real, and wild is your home.
Let July Be July – Morgan Harper Nichols
Let July be July by allowing yourself to trust: It’s okay if you cannot make sense of it all right now. What matters is that somehow, you found grace to breathing through. And now, you’ve made it to August where you’ll find: there is more to you.
Let August be August by allowing yourself to trust: you do not have to be so hard on yourself if you cannot make sense of all that is changing. In the coming days, you will find mystery, and you will also find room to breathe and you might just find even in these unknowns: you are more prepared than you think.
You are free to take the time you need to feel what you need to feel… including the good feelings.
Don’t let them rush you. You are traveling at the pace you were meant to.
You are still free to pursue peace right here in the in-betweens.
Whatever happens this month, be gentle with yourself. Even here, there is still space for us to rise above the fear…propelled into motion by love.
There is more to come. More love. More joy, More grace More peace.
Let this be the August you look back on and say: somehow, through it all, learned to fall in love with the journey.
Just For Now – Danna Faulds
Just for now, Without asking how, Let yourself sink into stillness.
Just for now, lay down the weight You so patiently bear upon your shoulders.
Feel the earth receive you, And the infinite expanse of the sky grow even wider, As your awareness reaches up to meet it.
Just for now, Allow a wave of breath to enliven your experience.
Breathe out whatever blocks you from the truth.
Just for now, Be boundless, free, With awakened energy tingling in your hands and feet.
Drink in the possibility, Of being who and what you really are, So fully alive that the world looks different, Newly born and vibrant, Just for now.
I Do Not Know Where Tomorrow May Lead – Morgan Harper Nichols
I do not know where tomorrow
will lead,
but I know I am free
to give my all
with audacious hope
for what could be.
And maybe I do not
have to know how
it all works out
in the end
to let this time in my life be
something worth remembering.
The fear does not
have to go away
before I choose
to practice courage
with what I create.
And whenever I
start to feel that I am not
good enough,
I will work to remember:
it still matters
to show up with love.
I am not the only one
who feels like this
and when I choose to practice courage out in the open
it makes a difference.
The Most Challenging Thing About Love Is Learning How To Bring It Inward – Jacquie Compton
Sometimes, the most challenging thing about love is learning how to bring it inward to learn that building a relationship with yourself, in the name of love, helps you tend to your life more fully by nourishing your authenticity by nourishing your truth nourishing you, in all stages, transitions, and transformations going in and loving you
Embarking on the journey of bringing love inward and preparing to go so far in, deeply in you will fall upon the discovery of vast landscapes caves and forests of beauty places that have remained unknown and untouched for so long
In turn, that love supporting your heart supports a dance of opening and closing, giving and receiving, and allows more space for presence more space for you allowing you room to spread your beauty across the seas allowing you to take up space and be fully you
As you bring the love in your needs begin to flow, they are met with acknowledgment met with grace, met with appreciation your needs begin to speak and give others the permission to speak theirs
The dance unfolds with grace fluid, moving to a song that is yours the giving and receiving, seeing and believing, honoring and understanding, holding in and letting go opening and closing you embody the dance
Loving yourself fully, deeply and unconditionally is a hard but fulfilling journey moving in towards your centre and then moving out a deeper meaning begins to unfold as you become become just you, from a place of love
As you move the love inward, like the lotus seed that can remain dormant for thousands of years in this time, it is just fulfilling a journey of loving inward until one day, when it feels ready not based on its external world, but when, instead, it feels ready, it begins to transform and grow out of the mud, through the adversities it becomes, it grows it sits in love enveloping in all of itself, in its wisdom
As you guide your love inward confidence allows itself to be stitched back together with the sweet words your mother dreamed of in her sleep as your grew quietly strong in her womb
As you guide your love inward you begin to unveil your purpose of spreading seeds of beauty and understanding in this world
As you guide your love inward the wisdom buried deep that the little girl holds inside you sings a spell that knows what she needs
As you guide your love inward the story that is yours and only yours to tell spills onto the pages of belief, one petal of wisdom and truth at a time you begin to believe in you
How should you begin? Breathe, pause, take a moment to settle into your heart and be ready to take to the leap as you step into your journey of loving inward
I hope these poems bring you meaning and joy, and that you share them with someone who needs to hear them.
Breakups are some of the most gut-wrenching experiences, yet so many of us experience it in our lifetime. Most of us want to fast-forward through the painful emotions associated with losing someone. On top of that, each of our separation stories are unique, and we will experience compounded feelings based on what happened as the relationship ended. So, how do we get over a breakup? First, it is important we define what that means.
Defining “Getting Over It”
It can be helpful to consider what “getting over” this breakup means to you. Consider:
What does letting go mean to you?
What does moving forward mean to you?
What does closure mean to you?
What’s currently between you and being over it? Consider emotions, fears, beliefs, behaviours, or other impacts that might be between you and being over it.
Helping Ourselves Move Forward
Here are some suggestions of how we can wade through the pain and hurt associated with a breakup:
Consider your emotions and needs– Try to understand what you’re feeling. What emotions are you experiencing most these days? What thoughts are coming up most? Is there a part of you that is resisting moving on? Why? Do you have a need for closure that is holding you back? How can you create closure for yourself? What is in your control in terms of the closure you want?
Consider your boundaries – Some of us crave continued connection with our ex-partner. However, some distance can help us adjust to the change and the new roles you and your ex-partner are stepping into; you’re moving from partners to ex-partners and there are new boundaries associated with those roles. What kind of boundaries help you put distance between you and your ex-partner?
Meet your basic needs– Are you eating, drinking water, sleeping, and moving in a way that feels good for your body? A body that is deprived and running on empty is also a body that feels more emotionally dysregulated. For example, some of us may simply not have an appetite while others are perhaps trying to harm ourselves by depriving ourselves of what we need most. It’s important to understand why we aren’t caring for our bodies and try to meet ourselves with compassion.
Keep busy – Doing activities we would normally enjoy are generally helpful when going through a breakup. It’s normal to have little to no motivation to go for a run, see a friend, or continuing to attend that course we are taking. However, often motivation follows behaviour (not the other way around). The more we care for ourselves, the more we will feel inclined to care for ourselves. Too much idle time can be really hard, so try to plan ahead so your schedule isn’t empty.
Connect with others – Spending time with others can help us wade through feelings of loneliness. Give yourself permission to talk about the breakup or not talk about the breakup when spending time with loved ones. No one will replace our partner, but it is important to meet our needs for human connection, even a little bit.
Practice patience – Getting over something that was so important to us takes time. While we may want to feel less emotional immediately, it is unlikely given what place this relationship held within our inner and outer world. So be patient with yourself. There is no timeline.
Try to avoid coping that leaves you feeling worse – While using substances or alcohol can provide short-term relief, they also provide long-term suffering. If you tend to use alcohol or drugs, consider what those avenues provide you with? How do they help you in the short-term? Once you know that, consider what may provide a similar sense of distraction or relief and, even if it isn’t as distracting or relieving, try to use those strategies instead.
Practice creating a balanced perspective– Remember that when we are suffering we tend to look at things from a specific vantage point. In moving forward, what are you stepping away from? What are you stepping toward? Are there any reasons you are grateful to no longer be in this relationship?
Connect with people with shared experiences – It can be helpful to sense that we are not alone and that others have been through what we’re going through. This can look like real life connections, movies, podcasts, or books that address issues related to breakups.
Receiving the support of a compassionate psychotherapist can help us make sense of our experiences and gradually step toward a future that we want to cultivate.
Guilt is an emotional state where we experience inner conflict at having done something that we believe we should not have done. Or opposingly, we feel conflict at having not done something we believe we should have done. Guilt is different from shame.
Guilt
“I did something bad”
I feel motivated to repair, show regret, or apologize
Shame
“I am bad”
I want to hide and disappear
Guilt is a common secondary emotion, meaning we sometimes feel guilty for having an emotion. For example, we can feel guilty for feeling angry toward our parent. However, guilt can also be a primary emotion, meaning it’s our first response to a situation. For example, we can feel guilty because we think we’ve done something wrong.
When Do We Feel Guilty?
Guilt can be a helpful and productive emotion, relating to our capacity to experience empathy. Feeling bad after making a mistake can lead to change, such as an apology or a decision to make different choices in the future.
However, guilt can be unhelpful and unproductive if:
It’s chronic or feels stuck inside us, unchanging
It’s our automatic emotional response
It feels all-encompassing
It’s a feeling about a feeling
As Sarah Dergins says, “Feelings of guilt can happen when we haven’t done anything wrong at all, but we feel like we’ve violated some internal standard we’ve been taught.” Many of us have been taught to feel guilty for things that are normal human experiences, such as having emotions, being imperfect, or making mistakes. Many of us hold onto guilt that doesn’t belong to us and, when we do this, we are holding onto the belief that we may have had the power to change the outcome of a situation, when perhaps it was out of our control all along. As Umar Ibn Al-Khattab says, “No amount of guilt can change the past and no amount of worry can change the future.”
Self-Reflection
Developing self-awareness can be our first step toward cultivating moments of self-compassion. When we understand ourselves, we are able to separate thought from fact, meet ourselves with acceptance, and take steps toward releasing stuck feelings.
Where do you feel the guilt inside your body?
If the guilt could talk, what would it say to you?
When you feel guilty, what are you most craving to hear? What do you most need?
Is the guilt about having done something bad, or believing you are bad? (note that feeling we are bad is shame, not guilt)
How else do you feel when you experience guilt? E.g. Do you feel shame, fear, etc.?
How do you behave when you experience guilt? Or what do you want to do?
Consider the part of you that feels guilty. What is that part of you trying to protect you from? What is this part afraid would happen if it didn’t make you feel guilty?
Even if you don’t like this guilt, can you see how it’s trying to help you in some way? That maybe it’s reminding you of something that’s important to you?
Can you send some compassion toward yourself with this new knowledge?
Ultimately, is this part of you effective in the job that it’s doing?
Changing Feelings of Guilt
First, we want to distinguish if our guilt is:
A secondary emotion (a feeling about having a feeling) – e.g. if we feel guilty for being angry at our parent
A primary adaptive emotion (a fresh, new response that gives us useful information and a direct benefit) – e.g. we feel guilty for forgetting someone’s birthday
A primary maladaptive emotion (an old, stuck emotions that are all-encompassing and do not give us useful information or a direct benefit) – e.g. chronic guilt or when we feel guilty for something we had no control over
This information can support us in understanding ourselves better and knowing what we may need. We likely will need the support of a psychotherapist to take these steps.
If it’s a secondary emotion, we can work toward giving ourselves permission to connect with what really underneath
If it’s a primary adaptive emotion, we can work toward meeting the need that we have (e.g. to repair, apologize, or show regret)
If it’s a primary maladaptive emotion, we can work with a therapist to uncover new emotions that relate to our first difficult experiences of guilt (which likely occurred in childhood), such as self-compassion or assertive anger
It can be hard to avoid inviting our guilt to transform into the costume of shame. As humans, we are flawed and imperfect, so mistakes are inevitable. Faltering is part of being human and we have a tendency to be too hard on ourselves while giving permission to others to be imperfect. We can work toward finding a way to live by our values with compassion for others as well as ourselves. Working with a psychotherapist can support us to develop compassion for our adult selves as well as our younger selves that may have received messages that impact our relationship with guilt today.
“Self Observation without Judgement” – a poem by Danna Faulds
Clare Karasik, MSW, RSW 